The Government today introduced legislation requiring all incompetent and intellectually-challenged people to wear ‘S-plates’ on their front and rear to warn members of the public that the person they are approaching may say or do something stupid at any moment. Taking a lead from learner drivers who must display ‘L-plates’ on their vehicle, the scheme will require individuals to pass a rudimentary test before they can earn the status of ‘brain-owning citizen’, and should significantly reduce incidents of amazement at the ability of some people to act like prize dicks.
‘You could argue that the education system shouldn’t be producing these people,’ said schools secretary Ed Balls today, ‘but the important thing is to treat the symptoms not the causes. The problem at the moment is that too many idiots are walking among us unnoticed, some in positions of authority, and there’s no way of telling till it’s too late. This scheme will provide transparency and allow people to make informed choices about who they talk to, bank with and elect.’
Those affected by the proposals include users of emoticons, people who assume others know what on earth they are talking about or even care, Chris Moyles listeners and anyone claiming that the scheme won’t ‘effect’ them. In addition, the police will be given new on-the-spot ‘duncing’ powers to issue ‘S-plates’ to pedestrians who stop without warning in the middle of crowded pavements or high-five in public in anything other than a spirit of grave irony. Anyone falling foul of the new regulations will find themselves put on the Sense Offenders Register and forbidden from expressing opinions, using the phrase ‘I know what you mean’ without medical evidence that there’s even a chance of that being true, and answering any question without observing a 24-hour ‘cooling-off’ period.
Despite the Government’s enthusiasm for the plan, a small number of commentators have warned that the economic recovery could be stalled by the cost of producing ‘S-plates’ for celebrities, pundits, professional sportsmen, astrologers and their readership, most drivers, religious fundamentalists, clients of debt consolidation firms and all employees in the services industry – a fear not diminished by the failure of bankers to invest in signage industry stocks. But shrewd manoeuvring by Gordon Brown has already secured cross-party support for the scheme after he assured MPs that after the election the Labour Government would exempt elected representatives. The move has earned the delighted Prime Minister a number of pats on the back from loyal Cabinet ministers seeking a new home for the ‘Kick Me’ stickers none of them remember dressing in.