Gordon Brown today announced a ‘huge bargain bonanza’ as he put up for sale many of the UK’s assets in a bid to reduce the size of the national debt. Downing Street has insisted that ‘everything must go’, but that the crazy prices ‘must end soon’, and certainly by next May when the sales outlet is likely to be ‘under new management’.
Among the assets attracting interest from wealthy Tory investors is ‘an exclusive, well-appointed luxury home in the heart of Whitehall,’ though the same buyers seemed unable to agree whether snapping up the Channel Tunnel rail link was a good idea. The Prime Minister has also pledged to get full value for his ‘Government of all the talents,’ with the Milibands now available as part of a ‘two for one’ offer, and aides promising that for the right price Caroline Flint and the other Brown babes will demonstrate that they are so much more than just window dressing.
The Government has been forced to announce the fire sale after failing to generate sufficient royalties from the re-release of D:Ream’s ‘Things can only get better’, despite doing everything in its power to prepare the market. This earlier strategy had also banked on the Cabinet scoring a major product placement deal with L’Oreal, but the cosmetics company were reluctant to pay for pictures of Alistair Darling holding their haircare products, and instead opted to go with David and Samantha Cameron on the grounds that at the moment consumers seemed to think they were worth it.
Despite being forced into holding this massive clearance sale, Gordon Brown has nevertheless engineered an opportunity to bolster his popular appeal. ‘We’ve told Margaret Thatcher that we have some wonderful offers on state funerals,’ he told reporters today after instructing the Treasury to buy a controlling stake in Ticketmaster. ‘But I would stress that she should book now to avoid disappointment.’