After a school career that saw him battling with dementors, basilisks and death-eaters, boy wizard Harry Potter has confessed that he is struggling to get to grips with his undergraduate degree in Business IT at Lampeter. ‘It’s just all a bit of an anti-climax,’ said Potter, who found a place at the Welsh university through clearing after UCAS refused to acknowledge his Defence Against Dark Arts O.W.L.
‘Take Freshers week. During my first week at Hogwarts, I flew on a broomstick, had a wizarding duel with Draco Malfoy and was put in Gryffindor by the Sorting Hat. This week, I’ve been pushed around pissed in a Morrisons trolley, got in a fight with some squaddies and some smart-arse stuck a traffic cone on my head.’
With the wizarding world offering nothing in the form of higher education, Potter was forced to turn to muggle seats of learning to continue in his studies. ‘Looking back, perhaps if I’d spent less time fighting V****… oh sod it, Voldemort, and more on trigonometry, perhaps I could have aimed my sights a bit higher,’ said Potter, who was told after a recent psychometric test that he’d be well suited to a career in recruitment.
‘But at least I’m making the effort. Ron’s bricklaying apprenticeship isn’t going well – a building site is no place for a ginger – and I hardly hear from Hermione these days since she turned down her place at Oxford to pursue her model/actress career with some obscure film company called Cherry Pop Productions.’