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Government crime figures show huge drop in cartoon villainy

ASBOs an effective deterrent for crime on nation's railways.Convictions for cartoonish villainy have dropped by nearly 70% since Labour came to power, new Home Office statistics reveal.
The figures show that in 2008 only two women were tied to railway tracks by convicted cape-wearing moustache-twirling scoundrels, down from nearly 1,000 in 1928. ‘This is a vindication of the government’s criminal justice policy over the last twelve years,’ said Home Secretary Alan Johnson. ‘We have always said we would be tough on the causes of crime, and these statistics prove that we were right to ban the sale of velvet capes, top hats and moustache-twirling equipment to anybody with a criminal record.’

The figures also show a drastic reduction in roadside anvil-dropping attacks on flightless birds, and a smaller but still significant fall in the number of cunning British villains convicted of ambitious crimes in the United States, particularly in glamorous locations on the east and west coasts.

The statistics also seem to endorse the government’s health and safety strategy, with almost no recorded instances of people running several yards off the edge of a cliff and then falling vertically into the canyon below, down from a peak of 7,000 such injuries in the 1940s and 50s. The Home Secretary denied that most of these cases involved rascally rabbits or other animated individuals and had not represented a serious drain on the NHS. ‘The fact remains that such terrible instances, usually resulting in very severe injury or at least little stars revolving around the victim’s head, were a commonplace only a few years ago,’ Mr Johnson insisted. ‘We may have buggered up the economy, increased inequality and botched our plans for constitutional reform, but you can’t deny that the British people feel safer from the machinations of the Acme Corporation than ever before.’

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Posted: Oct 16th, 2009 by The Paper Ostrich

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