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David Cameron ‘may not have been beaten up enough at school’, warn experts

'Eat fist, oik!'Child development specialists have today warned that Conservative Party leader David Cameron exhibits all the hallmarks of a violence-deprived childhood during which he may not have received the appropriate number of playground beatings for someone from his social background.

Current guidelines recommend that rich, upper-class children get their five-a-day of unprovoked blows to the head, or at least three proper kickings a week, to ensure they grow up to be properly adjusted adults with an accurate sense of their own worth.

‘Cameron’s blend of smug self-assurance and empty rhetoric can only be a result of his being under-bullied as a child,’ said leading paediatrician Dr Gonzales today. ‘Just one look at his milky-white, red-cheeked face and it’s clear that it hasn’t been punched anything like often enough or hard enough. Sure, he had a tough break being born into wealth and a private education, but at the end of the day if our teachers aren’t turning a blind eye when an annoying posh kid gets beaten up, then what on earth are we paying them for?’

Concerns were raised after specialists spotted that Cameron’s steady flow of vacuous platitudes and shameless posturing was issuing from a symmetrical face boasting both an unbroken nose and teeth unaltered by barroom dentistry. ‘How he’s survived so long without getting a real pummelling is beyond me,’ continued Dr Gonzales. ‘Our research has found no recorded instances of a request from an Eton and Oxford-educated aristocrat to ‘call him Dave’ not being answered with violence.’

dropped on his head at the Bullingdon but not much else before or sinceDoctors are now concerned that as Cameron hasn’t had the shit beaten out of him anytime recently, it may begin exiting his body through other routes, most likely in the form of policy announcements, or worse, unsolicited details about his personal life. There are also fears that the condition, labelled victim-deficit disorder, may be rife in the Tory party, with observers agreeing that both George Osborne and Boris Johnson would benefit enormously from being caught without an umbrella in a force-nine fist storm.

29th October 2009

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Posted: Oct 29th, 2009 by Genghis Cohen

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