Home Secretary, Alan Johnson, has appointed an evil Russian mystic as the government’s new drugs adviser. His role will be to tell the government exactly what they want to hear and to make drugs seem far more dangerous than they actually are.
Mr Johnson explained, ‘Last time we made the mistake of appointing an expert. Sadly this man took it upon himself to give the government advice on drugs. That is the very last thing we want from a government drugs advisor.’
The newly appointed Drugs Rasputin speaks no English and has no specialist knowledge of the pharmacological effects of drugs. However, he does have a cloak and a big smelly beard. Experts believe that he can tackle the issue head on by frightening drug users through the use of his brooding presence and evil hypnotic stare.
The appointment coincides with a new government drugs awareness campaign, Talk to Grigori, in which young people can ring a freephone number and speak to a madman.