Internet users have today been warned to expect severe delays to their deliveries of spam messages following the decision by Hotmail staff to walkout over pay and conditions. Workers at the internet’s premier junk mail courier have resorted to industrial action after months of growing resentment at having to deliver ever larger quantities of messages promising great offers on herbal remedies for flatulence and informing customers that their online degree is ready for collection.
‘Not only is the average postman’s bag overloaded with important messages re: your account,’ said Billy Hayes, General Secretary of the Communication Worker’s Union, ‘but the rounds have got longer since our members began delivering to ‘co.uk’ addresses. And we’ve completely lost faith in the Hotmail management after their planned purchase of a new fleet of bicycles from a company offering name-brand products at crazy wholesale prices left postmen making their rounds on roller skates.’
The strike is expected to have a calamitous effect on the sex lives of Hotmail customers, with erectile dysfunction set to soar in the absence of trial offers of Viagra at $10 a go. Experts also predict that the walkout could see the average penis size fall by as much as several inches as vital information about enlargement aids and natural supplements fails to get through to those who need it. Members of the Nigerian royal family have also been quick to criticise Hotmail, though they have very generously agreed to give account holders until early next week to send them their name, date of birth and bank details in order to receive the $1 million that is waiting for them.
But Hotmail’s management are adamant that the service must be modernised after a regrettable mix up saw one customer receive a hand-delivered invitation to ‘Come visit brilliant store of my friend and your own eyes will say what madness these prices is,’ while news that Uncle Eric’s pacemaker finally hadn’t proved a match for his Thai bride was dumped straight into his trash can unopened.
Yet despite initial talks between unions and management, no one is hopeful of a swift end to the dispute. ‘I wouldn’t be surprised if many of our members decided the time was right to walk away from Hotmail and explore other opportunities,’ said Billy Hayes. ‘Although none of them remember applying, some of the lads have just found out their credit card applications have been approved, and others have received lucrative offers to earn up to $500 a day working from home.’