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• ‘Gordon Brown drew a willy on my book when he was 8,’ reveals new memoir
• Clowns ‘should travel to work in uniform’
• Cameron appeals for ‘calm’ so he can at least finish one holiday this year
• Looters apologise to communities for causing two days of visits by politicians
• Buyers of Che Guevara T-shirts to undergo basic education in irony
• Miliband ‘crestfallen’ after failed operation to remove Balls
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