An extensive study by the National Union of Teachers has damned the ailing quality of coursework written by cheating parents. ‘Samples taken from thousands of pieces of fraudulent coursework overwhelmingly indicated that most parents were consistently failing to reach the standard of sham coursework required for GCSE and A-Level,’ said an NUT spokesman, who admitted marking isn’t really that big a deal. ‘It’s a sad reflection on our education system when you find pupils frantically re-writing their parents’ hastily bodged coursework on the day of the deadline. We may as well send them into the exams to write it themselves.’
Examples of poor parental efforts were rife, not least as several signed their work ‘by Mum and Dad’. ‘There was a GCSE geography project on Town Planning that has come to exemplify the malaise that has set in over fake coursework since its heyday in the Nineties,’ said one examiner, who loves trying to make dirty words out of the available grades. ‘It started off well enough – I gave them the benefit of the doubt and assumed that the basic syntax errors were an attempt to emulate a 16-year-old’s grasp of the English language, not the work of an illiterate turd.
‘But barely was I two pages in, when the author stopped discussing the relative merits of building a shopping centre outside St Albans and started ranting about when the hell they were going to phase those traffic lights at the top of the high street and how they must have missed the area’s annexation by Poland. I still gave it a B. Those traffic lights are a bitch.’
As the average grades for fake coursework continue to plummet year-on-year, parents were quick to defend their falling academic achievements. ‘There’s just so much more pressure on parents these days,’ said Fran Andrews, who ruined her daughter’s chances of an A* by forgetting to take the internet links out of the Napoleon essay she downloaded on her behalf. ‘By the time you’ve lied about your address to secure the best primary school and then faked a whole religious faith to get into a good secondary, you barely have the energy to forge a decent Macbeth essay. But at the end of the day it’ll all be worth it. Like any caring parent, we just want the best shot at ultimately falsifying that means-tested student fees form.’