Europeans took to the streets in celebration today after foiling a daring plot by the Conservative Party to ‘completely eradicate’ the European Parliament. On the night of November 5th a man was discovered in a cellar underneath the European Parliament drafting a carefully-worded letter to the Council of Ministers tentatively asking if it would possibly be all right if Westminster might have some of its powers back, as long as they didn’t mind. Soon afterwards effigies of David Cameron were being lit and fireworks set off in a collective outpouring of relief that the Tory conspiracy had come to light now, giving the 26 EU member states precious time to compose themselves and prepare a suitably diplomatic response.
‘I’m just so glad this plot was foiled before anyone got seriously hurt,’ said José Manuel Barroso, current president of the European Council. ‘Can you imagine if they’d dropped a bombshell like that on a packed European Parliament? There could have been carnage as representatives fell off their seats laughing and dropped hot drinks in their laps. Renegotiate all the European treaties? Priceless!’
Had the Tories’ secret plan come to fruition, it is likely that all member states would have agreed to cede powers to Britain as their surprised representatives rolled on the floor screaming ‘Stop it! You’re killing me! Have anything – I just can’t take anymore!’ Officials are now engaged in a race against time to ensure they comply with a strict EU directive requiring them to keep a straight face as they tell William Hague ‘no’, ‘non’, ‘nein’, ‘nincs’, ‘nr’, ‘não’, and ‘ne’.
Despite the controversy, pro-Europeans from across the political spectrum have had nothing but praise for the efforts of the Conservatives to unite all EU member states in amusement. ‘We often get criticised for having no sense of humour,’ said German premier Angela Merkel, ‘but even we laughed at this one. It’s true that the best comedy travels. I love all David Cameron’s stuff, he’s so funny.’
However, the Conservative Party leader today insisted that Europe’s embracing of Bonfire Night was simply ‘a further admission that the British ways of life are the best’. He went on to promise a renegotiation of the Magna Carta, a referendum on whether there ought to have been a referendum, and a firm commitment to close the stable door by the end of the next Parliament.