New EU regulations due to come into force next year are set to force local authorities to increase the amount of reality TV stars they recycle, with tough targets set to create a 70% reduction in reality TV star waste by 2015.
‘These new rules are absolutely vital to protect our environment for our children and our children’s children’ explained EU Environment Commissioner Stavros Dimas. ‘Our projections show that landfill sites will soon be full of people who have appeared on a reality TV show once then been discarded, but there’s no reason at all that they can’t be recycled and used on another show. Action needs to be taken now.’
The regulations are the result of years of campaigning by protestors such as Greenpeace, and a spokesman for the group said ‘A man who’s appeared on Britain’s Got Talent can easily be recycled to appear on Location Location Location, then recycled again to take part in Come Dine With Me. This is much less of a drain on our dwindling Z-list celebrity resources, and leaves much less of a reality TV footprint.’ Experts have predicted that there could be no-one left in Britain who hasn’t appeared on TV as early as 2019 at current levels, and with crap new digital TV channels going live on a regular basis the saturation point could be even earlier.
Secretary of State for the Environment Hilary Benn confirmed that all councils will be expected to meet the new targets, and defended the UK’s record despite accusations that the country has been lagging behind its European neighbours in Z-lister recycling. ‘Many local councils are already introducing kerbside collections for reality TV stars’ he argued, ‘and I could give you countless examples of people appearing on shows such as The X Factor having been left in green bins outside their houses after appearing on Total Wipeout.’ He also tried to reassure the public that increased recycling won’t lead to increases in Council Tax or the TV Licence fee. ‘We are committing £100 million pounds to recycling schemes over the next five years’ he boasted, ‘and new facilities are already being funded to increase our recycling capacity, such as Endemol’s new £25m recycling plant (also known as a ‘studio’).’
There will however also be stiff penalties for anyone caught trying to recycle real rubbish in a reality TV star recycling bin, such as anyone who’s appeared on Jeremy Kyle. ‘These people are of no use to any other TV programme’ said Mr Benn, ‘and they will just have to be disposed of as hygenically as possible.’