NewsBiscuit

The world of cosmetic surgery heralded a new breakthrough this week, when a top Harley Street clinic announced that it has finally pioneered the first successful man boob enhancement. ‘Man boobs have long presented the surgical community with a number of challenges, not least that everyone finds them just a bit gross,’ explained Dr Angela Dreyfuss, who refused to confirm or deny whether Simon Cowell had received the surgery during its clinical trial.

‘But now we’ve engineered a compound that almost exactly replicates the 75% KFC composition of male breast tissue, we’re confident that whether men want to augment, reduce or just give their moobs a bit of a lift, we can give them the confidence they need to get their shirts off in public again. So long as they get their backs waxed too. No-one needs to see a hairy crack.’

The recipient of the first moob job, a Mr Brian Drennan from Stoke, said he was delighted with the results of his surgery, despite enduring nipples that ‘stung like a bastard’ for the first few days after the op. ‘My wife told me my moobs were lovely just as they were, but I knew they weren’t a patch on the man boobs I’d sported as a younger man,’ said Mr Drennan. ‘But since the operation, I can’t stop showing them to people. Which led to a bit of explaining when my boss walked into the gents to find four men cupping my breasts and claiming they really ‘couldn’t tell the difference’.’

As builders, darts players and former rugby professionals sign up in droves to get their moobs done, Mr Drennan has been so encouraged by his surgery that he’s already considering other procedures. ‘I’m looking into having one of those beer gut bands fitted, which will mean I can only drink small amounts of white wine spritzers,’ he said. ‘And I know there’s a lot they can do these days for wrinkly skin. But until I’m convinced they’re entirely safe, I’ll leave it a while. After all, Bollox injections are a really big step.’

Posted: Nov 13th, 2009 by Mary Evans