Leader of apocalyptic cult laments uninspiring mission statement

The leader of a doomsday suicide cult has laid the blame for the rapid decline in membership on his use of the slogan ‘the end of the world is nigh, but probably not in our lifetime.’

‘I should have come up with something more punchy and dramatic,’ admitted Nigel Simpkins, Supreme High Priest of the Simpkinsion Brethren, whose followers believe that Simpkins, a former accountant, will lead them to another world where the interest rate on savings is slightly higher than average.

However the high priest is taking drastic action in order to stop his cult from haemorrhaging members and proclaimed ‘at five o’clock tomorrow my brethren and I will put our coats on a good twenty minutes before we step outside, so that we don’t feel the benefit. That’ll show ‘em!’

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