News agencies across the globe last night warned that radical members of the Mothers’ Union have stepped up their passive aggressive assault on modern family life with widespread distribution to all major media outlets of martyrdom videos, explaining the many and varied sacrifices made in their lives for their offspring without asking anything in return, while also hinting that an occasional phone call might be nice, and pointing out that all their friends have grandchildren now.
The first of these shoddily filmed direct to camera messages to be released was from 68-year-old mother of married only child Martin Sullivan who suggests, without providing substantive evidence, a number of career and possibly romantic possibilities she gave up to provide Sullivan’s father with a son, and that son with properly ironed school shirts and his favourite teas.
In traumatic scenes the radical mum then shocked viewers with a graphically gynaecological account of the complications involved in Martin Sullivan’s birth and the location of the dozen stitches subsequently required, before mentioning that she’d heard that he’d been to visit his wife’s parents again last weekend, and how it must be lovely for them to see each other so often.
Whether a viable threat to Western civilisation’s status quo would emerge following the spate of martyrdom videos was left unclear however, as further video statements began to filter in. The follow-up messages — which mainly appear to have been inadvertently recorded over footage of emotionally significant family weddings — feature fathers, insisting that the mothers meant well, and that it was just a difficult time for them, ‘what with, y’know, all that women’s stuff’ before blushing slightly and heading off to work on an ongoing DIY project in the garage.
18 November 2009