Scientists and religious leaders were united last night in agreeing that it was almost certain that a global apocalypse was imminent following the failure of Jimmy Welch to ask 13-year-old Emma Thorpe to the school disco.
‘We were alerted to the disturbing news after Emma’s mother overheard her daughter in her bedroom crying that this was it, that it was all over and that she was just going to die,’ explained Robert James, an environmental science professor at University College London, ‘and considering the data available – and that Jimmy is now going to the disco with that skank Sarah Miller – we think she may have a point.’
A spokesman for the Vatican also confirmed the view that the end of world, as envisioned in the Book of Revelations, is about to come to pass with the teenager from Canterbury summoning the spirits of the four horsemen of the apocalypse. ‘Emma’s already forewarned of the arrival of death, and now War looks certain after her best friend Gracie texted that Jimmy is probably going with Sarah because she’s so skinny,’ explained the Monsignor, ‘Of course that in turn has brought Famine following behind it, as Emma is embarking on a celebrity crash diet. And as for Pestilence, well, that outbreak of acne really couldn’t have come at a worse time…’
Yet despite the consensus that the tragedy destroying Emma’s life is a sign that life on earth is on the verge of no longer being worth living, some commentators refuse to accept the overwhelming evidence, with outspoken Sunday Times columnist Jeremy Clarkson insisting the ‘boffins and religious nutters’ were over-reacting once again, and that clearly Emma ‘would be just fine if her dad gives her a hug and takes her out for an ice-cream’.