The hopes and dreams of millions of children were on a knife-edge last night as Father Christmas became embroiled in a tense stand-off with the Home Office as he apparently refused to comply with a routine CRB safety check. ‘We rather feel that if a childless man is to be granted nocturnal access to the bedrooms of millions of children around the world, he should submit to some basic investigation,’ said Home Secretary Alan Johnson, who denied that the continued failure of the Christmas deity to deliver a pink scooter in his childhood bore any influence on his actions.
‘And despite several attempts to contact him, thus far it must be said he has been highly uncooperative. Not only does he appear to operate under several pseudonyms, including ‘Santa Claus’, ‘St Nicolas’ and ‘Dad’, but when we went to investigate his given address in the North Pole, all we found were a few scientists measuring the recession of the polar ice caps.’
Further questions were being raised as to the legality of Father Christmas’ business last night as investigations were launched into the validity of his aviation licence and reports of millions of unpaid migrant workers being kept in sweet shop conditions.
But as Father Christmas has repeatedly failed to respond to Home Office correspondence sent to 1 North Pole, more direct action has been considered appropriate. ‘We have received intelligence that Father Christmas will be operating out of the Kingston John Lewis this Saturday,’ said Mr Johnston. ‘We will have several armed response units in place ready to bring him into custody, all with instructions to shoot to maim or kill if he attempts to abscond. After all, we have a duty to protect our children.’