‘We don’t know how this happened,’ said Defence Secretary Bob Ainsworth, ‘but this bomb has developed into a very smart bomb with its own sense of morality.’
Experts believe the missile may have locked onto the wrong satellite and downloaded a Noam Chomsky lecture, leading it to deactivate its warhead, review Just War theories and choose pacifism.
Now a Quaker, the bomb may escape court martial. ‘I can do civilian duties,’ the missile explained. ‘I’ve a great sense of direction and with my interest in New Age therapies could become an Intercontinental Holistic Missile.’
‘Obviously, this is a very misguided missile,’ said the Army Chief of Staff, ‘which is suffering from empathy and no bloody good to us.’ According to an army chaplain, a moral compass now controls the bomb. ‘They get smarter, you know, and start to think for themselves. Try to tell it has a duty to kill and it’ll go completely ballistic.’