Arguing against examples of homes being purchased with bank money ‘at the going rate’, Dawkins has asserted that there is absolutely no way in a sustainable model of life on earth that the concept of really good financial deals was anything more than the ‘product of deranged minds’ which simply fool far too many people into imagining that their entire existence, and that 27 inch HD TV in the living room, are viable, somehow righteous, and gifted from higher beings.
As banks struggle to get their message across that the granting of finance is a gift from the almightys with only a small penance to pay for the ultimate sin of popping over your agreed overdraft limit, Professor Dawkins’ intervention couldn’t have come at a worse time.
‘We’re being persecuted, and now even our most devout customers are seeing some different sort of light,’ said Lloyds Banking Group Chief Eric Daniels. ‘And now they’re trying to get at me personally. They’re phoning six or seven times a day, leaving nasty messages or sometimes just breathing heavily and hanging up,’ he added, before excusing himself to go to the toilet then sprinting down the corridor, out through the fire escape at the back of the building and running off to catch a flight to hook up with his yacht off the Cap d’Antibes.
Dawkins’ argument has been given renewed prominence with the completely accidental discovery of around 22 billion pounds’ worth of sneakily buried charges by a team of investigators from the Office of Fair Trading. ‘After years of searching we really think we’ve found the holy grail,’ said one of the team.
‘We’d looked everywhere: under the carpet, behind the curtains, even in the jar that Mrs Wilkins of Neasden keeps on the biscuit shelf. Not a sausage, until Professor Dawkins’ wise words led us to look in that little folder she keeps by the side of the bed, the one with seemingly unintelligible notes, from her bank, with ‘statement’ written at the top of each one.
It’s just snowballed from there and now we’re finding evidence pretty much everywhere we look; a treasure trove, a mine of information about how our ancestors lived, how we’ve all lived, right up to my Auntie Dolly who’s sitting right here, crying, because she’s given all her money to an invidious, callous, manipulating sect called HSBC.’
The government may step in but cautioned against regarding the views of Professor Dawkins as the sole truth, urging consumers to read the small print of any deal they entered into carefully and then completely ignore it as irrelevant, as they’ve been quite happy to do in the past.
‘I curse the non-believer Dawkins,’ said strategy chief at Barclays, Hugo Pimm. ’Who is he to highlight a serious raft of issues and open the debate on what I and my fellow bankers should believe and practice in our daily lives? Don’t worry though, we’re not about to launch a wave of reprisal attacks on the public using fundamentalist suicide bankers, or anything like that! We’re not mad, we’re not going to bring chaos to Western society or anything… Oh hang on a minute…’