‘I need help’ says assisted-suicide bomber

a good way to get rid of the family this Christmas

A man who wishes to end it all in the manner of a suicide bomber is appealing against the refusal of the National Health Service to help him kill himself and everyone around him. ‘All I want to do is blow myself up’, said Colin Jessop, ‘but my doctor refuses to help me. He only has to pull the cord on my rucksack. But ‘Oh no’, it’s ‘medical ethics’ this and ‘Hippocratic Oath’ that. It’s political correctness gone mad.’

The controvery has sparked a wider debate about the issue of assisted suicide bombing. ‘This is all about one man’s right to have the help he needs to blow himself to bits,’ said Director of Liberty, Shami Chakrabarti, ‘to stand in his way would not only be an infringement of his civil liberties; it would also be a bit stupid.’ MR Jessop insists that all he is asking for is personal dignity; ‘and the right to fire my limbs off in all directions while my head shoots into the sky. I just want to go out with a bang.’

Currently, the only way that people can detonate freely is to visit Switzerland where the law permits anyone to blow themselves up so long as they do so from the inside of a minaret. ‘I shouldn’t have to fly to Switzerland,’ said Jessop. ‘In any case they won’t let me on the plane. But I want to blow myself up at home with my friends and family around me.’

But the Justice Secretary Jack Straw claimed that this could be the tip of a very explosive iceberg; ‘If we allow physician assisted suicide bombers then, before you know it, families will be putting pressure on granny to strap up with Semtex and take a Stannah Stairlift to Heaven.’

Doctors have also expressed concern. ‘Of course we respect an individual’s right to explode,’ said a BMA representative, ‘We just don’t want to be the ones exploding with them. Surely this is a job for the Bomb Squad or someone. Mr Jessop is now planning to take his case to the High Court though police say that if he goes anywhere near the court they will be forced to seize both him and his case and subject them to a controlled explosion.

Fortunately a solution has been found to Mr Jessops’ search for somebody who is less worried about morals and ethics and just enjoys blowing things up. Mr Jessop will be detonated on the Top Gear Christmas special along with some caravans and unfashionable cars. Jeremy Clarkson said the death of Mr Jessop promises to be ‘hilarious’.

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Posted: Dec 14th, 2009 by

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