The 22-year union between Lionel and Marjorie Alwyn was reportedly under threat last night, as it emerged that Mr Alwyn had declined their traditional festive sexual congress and asked ‘for the money instead’.
‘Well what was I supposed to say?’ said an outraged Mrs Alwyn, who had been led to believe that her festive fur-trimmed stockings and saucy Santa hat had been hitting the spot since the Berlin Wall came down. ‘And it wasn’t just that he was turning down a few hours of nookie with me in favour of some money in an envelope. It was that he only gave it a transferable value of twenty-five quid.’
Lionel was quick to defend his actions, citing the need to keep things fresh in a long-term relationship. ‘She was never this chewy when I asked if we could take a break from exchanging M&S pants last year,’ claimed Mr Alwyn, who insists he chose not to take offence when his wife requested the receipt for last year’s garden herb-themed oven-mitt/apron combo.
‘She claims I’m not as up for it as I used to be, but that’s just not fair. Only last week I told her that the moment Walsall lift that cup, I’ll be at her like mildew on grout.’
But Marjorie was determined last night that her husband’s slight was not going to ruin Christmas. ‘Perhaps Lionel’s got a point and we should mix it up a bit this Christmas,’ she said. ‘So when I open the same John Lewis voucher I’ve been getting every year since we married, I will have a radiant smile on my face. Not least because I’ll be imagining the saucy drawers they’ll buy me to give his golf buddy Roger a welcome change from his customary Old Spice gift set.’
15 December 2009