This year’s Christmas Day siege will come live from the home of the Grimshaws, Moss Side, Manchester. ‘I have been holding my family hostage every Christmas day for the last 10 years’ said Kevin, ‘My father held his family hostage and his father before him. It’s what Christmas is all about.’
Sky News has secured exclusive rights to broadcast the siege. ‘We don’t get much news at Christmas,’ said presenter Kay Burley, ‘If we are lucky we might get an explosion in the middle east and I suppose there’s always the homeless. But Christmas really wouldn’t be Christmas without Kevin Grimshaws holding his family hostage.’
‘There was some doubt whether we would be able to afford a siege this Christmas’, said Mrs Grimshaws, ‘but the deal with Sky has made things so much easier. The kids are so excited. This could be the best siege ever.’
In accordance with tradition Kevin drinks excessively throughout the day, sits brooding for while, then loads a shotgun, barricades all the doors and windows before shouting out of the letterbox: ‘I’ll kill them all. I will. I’ll bloody kill them all.’
This year’s Christmas siege will be switched on by Cliff Richard who will be performing a rendition of ‘Mistletoe and Wine’ outside the Grimshaws’ family home. Psychologists believe the presence of Cliff Richard singing in the driveway is guaranteed to tip Mr Grimshaws over the edge into a shotgun wielding homicidal fury.
‘We expect things to kick off just after 3pm,’ said Chief Inspector Jack Regan, ‘To keep it festive I shall be negotiating the release of the hostages dressed up as Santa and all the police marksmen will be coming as elves. I’ve even put some tinsel on my loud hailer.’
‘People say it’s crazy for me to hold my family hostage every Christmas,’ said Kevin, ‘But it’s only once a year and I suppose I am really doing it for the kids.’