Chemistry standards among student suicide bombers are getting lower and lower, the recruitment manager of Al Qaeda has complained. Speaking after yet another London student failed to set off an incendiary device, the terror group’s human resources supremo, Al Maqtoub, said British university graduates are unable to carry out their duties.
‘Quite frankly, the quality of some of this year’s intake has been appalling,’ he said. ‘We’ve had to retrain some of them in basic tasks, such as shoe detonation and liquid explosives.’
Many student ne’er do wells are attracted to more rewarding forms of anti-social behaviour, such as banking, he conceded. ‘When they see the havoc they can wreak as City traders, at the click of a mouse, it makes terrorism seem quaint,’ he said. ‘A career in terrorism requires hard work, discipline and training. But these kids can go into the City, and instantly screw up millions of lives, while earning huge bonuses at no risk to themselves.’
Another Al Qaeda trainer complained that the rewards of terrorism no longer appealed to today’s graduates, who want instant gratification. ‘Who wants to kill themselves for the promise of 72 sexually inexperienced partners, when a City trader gets instant rewards and can buy all the lapdancers he wants.’
Security experts believe that the UCL graduate was motivated by the bizarre notion that as a martyr he will have be granted of 72 virgins in heaven. ‘For the average Chemistry student, it still sounds more likely than them getting to have sex with a girl in this life.’