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Archive for December, 2009

Record label stunned by chart failure of self-deprecating rapper

in da house, with the heating turned up to, ooh, about nineteen degreesHip Hop record label Death Row were shocked at the news that the debut album from modest, grammar school educated London rapper Com P Tenz had failed to ignite the charts. The high-profile new release ‘38MPG’ — named for the fuel efficiency of his Ford Focus Estate, the virtues of which are extolled on the track ‘From tha A to tha B’ — had been expected to provide a refreshing alternative to the relentless extremes of urban grime and hip-hop bling in modern rap, and ‘give a voice to unheard black middle class youth who otherwise would have turned to Leona Lewis’.

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Posted: Dec 17th, 2009
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Soho sex shops win World Heritage status

London Mayor Boris Johnson has today announced that the UN’s World Heritage Status is to be conferred on the last remaining sex shops and strip clubs in London’s Soho.

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Posted: Dec 16th, 2009
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Jack and Jill’s parents taken to court by Health & Safety Executive

The parents of Jack and Jill appeared in court yesterday, accused of gross negligence.

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Posted: Dec 16th, 2009
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Wogan siege enters fifth day

Police calling for intervention from Janet and JohnFears are growing for the mental health of Sir Terry Wogan after he spent a fourth night barricaded in his studio. Police negotiators are continuing efforts to free two producers and traffic reporter Lynn Bowles, who has been heard sobbing. There are also concerns for fellow presenter Ken Bruce who entered the studio on Friday to talk Wogan down but who hasn’t been heard from since.

Wogan has removed light bulbs and plunged the studio into darkness, but continues to broadcast around the clock with his trademark mix of light amiable banter and awful limericks. Trained experts are attempting to contact Wogan with loudspeakers and via a mobile phone, but so far he has only responded to text messages from his listeners.

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Posted: Dec 16th, 2009
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US capital to be converted from Washington DC to AC

The United States Government has announced ambitious plans to change the name of their capital to Washington AC keeping it in line with their present alternating political system.

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Posted: Dec 15th, 2009
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