NewsBiscuit

A devout Catholic from Italy says she’s doubting her faith after failing to find an image of Jesus in 30 years of slicing tomatoes.

Theresa Alberti from Milan has discovered other religious images including the prophet Mohammed, Buddha and even L. Ron Hubbard in the fruit, but despite her life-long devotion to the papacy, she has yet to see Christ among the pips. ‘It’s enough to make you a non-believer.’ The 49 year old mother of six told reporters. ‘Every day for the last 3 decades I’ve cut tomatoes in half thinking ‘today’s the day’. But every day I’m left disappointed and surrounded by tomato. I’ve grown to hate them.’

Her disgust is so great that Mrs Alberti is seriously considering changing religions. ‘I’ve been to mass every day since I was 7 and this is how God repays me.’ So far, her husband Silvio has managed to convince her to stay with Christianity, but even he’s finding it hard. ‘She’s been reading up on Judaism. And OK, ever since the whole crucifixion thing they’ve had a bad press. But as long as I still get my bacon sarnies I’m starting to think she should get a free transfer.’
In an official statement, the Pope apologised to Mrs Alberti for Jesus’s non-appearance, saying ever since they signed over his image rights to a marketing firm, he’s not been making regular fruit-based showings, because it’s not cost-effective or targeted well enough.

‘Besides, we believe that J.C. appeared to Mrs Alberti in the form of a bird shit on the windscreen of her Fiat 5 years ago, but she just wiped it off.. I mean, what’s a messiah to do?’

ajblacker

Posted: Jan 2nd, 2010 by Guest