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Boy’s sexual awakening embarrassingly coincides with family’s Bond movie viewing

Won't work out why she's got such a funny name until he's at least fifteenTim Vallely, a 12-year-old boy from Wiltshire, became aware of the power of the intrinsic primal attraction of the opposite sex for the first time this weekend, when sitting on the living room floor while surrounded by three generations of his family watching a Sunday evening James Bond movie.

‘There’d been some wicked car chases and it looked like it was going to be one of those bits with kissing that I usually find dead boring,’ explained Tim, ‘But there was this lady who looked a bit like my form teacher Miss Brown, who’s quite nice and pretty really, and well she got this old man who isn’t as good as Daniel Craig and started, like, squeezing his head between her legs with this funny look on her face…Now I wished I’d remembered to get my dressing gown when I was told to put on my jim-jams on because the film was finishing after my bedtime. I haven’t been able to move since before the last ad break.’

In the longer term, the circumstances of Tim’s first stirrings of physical attraction are expected to have imprinted a series of lifelong sexual characteristics on the boy, which are predicted to see Eastern European women, cold-blooded murder, and the rustling of Mars Celebrations wrappers become lifelong arousal triggers. In the shorter term, his reluctance to stand up and get out of the way of the living room door was on the verge of getting him in trouble with his parents after he wouldn’t move to let his grandfather go to bed.

‘He just bloody sat there all crouched over and getting in the way,’ complained 76-year-old Bill Vallely, ‘and that mad dirty Russian bird had caused a bit of an awakening for meself for the first time in a good ten years and I was dying to get up to the spare room share the news with the missus. It’s one of those moments in life I’ll remember for the rest of my days’.

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Posted: Jan 3rd, 2010 by nealdoran

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