Virgin shortage blamed for drop in suicide attacks

Impressionable young men being urged to learn from teachings of Warren Beatty if they really need a shag that badly

Prospective Muslim martyrs are being put off by an apparent shortage of available virgins in the afterlife, claims a new report. Following the attack on the Twin Towers in 2001, suicide bombings on Western interests saw a massive increase in popularity among bored, young Muslim males. This was attributed mainly to the promised attentions of 72 virgin maidens in paradise for the rest of eternity.

However, the rising number of men qualifying for martyrdom has come as a surprise to officials in the afterlife and has left a large hole in the available virgin population. Some martyrs have complained about having to share virgins while others are being offered unsuitable alternatives, such as other martyred young men, dead nuns, and in one case, a sack of drowned puppies.

‘It’s a bloody disgrace’, said the late Mohammed Iqbal Al Qatani, who blew himself up last month at a police station in southern Helmand. ‘I feel short changed. This isn’t what I signed up for. I’ve written to trading standards you know’.

Mr Al Qatani reviews his allocation of virgins with some despondency. Among their number are several that have clearly been around the afterlife a few times. Beside them is a group of 15 schoolgirls aged between 7 and 12. ‘Do they want me to end up on some kind of register?’ bemoaned the dead Muslim.

Mr Al Qatani plans to take his complaint further, and has written to the BBC Watchdog programme. ‘I want everyone to know just what a rip off this whole martyrdom business is’ he went on. ‘Look at this lot. I’ve even got Mother Theresa and Pope John Paul II’.

‘If I’d known what was really on offer I would have thought twice about strapping that semtex to my underpants. It’s not so much the shortage of nubile young women that sticks in my craw, but who in hell would want to spend eternity with 32 World of Warcraft gamers?’

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Posted: Jan 11th, 2010 by

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