Head of the Catholic Church Pope Benedict XIV has joined with leading evangelical atheist Richard Dawkins to declare that, while they may have their differences, the one thing that ticks them off more than anything else is people who, in a debate on the existence of an omniscient creator against the idea of a universe controlled by immutable scientific laws, will, ‘start getting mystical about life forces, and presence, and trees, for heaven’s sake’.
Addressing the hundreds of millions of Catholics around the world, Pope Benedict forthrightly acknowledged that while the Church was a bit slow in recognising the scientific findings of Copernicus and Galileo in the past, at least they didn’t claim to have a scientific mind while still checking their horoscopes in The Mirror. Then, to a great fanfare of incense and dry ice, Pope Benedict was joined on the balcony by Professor Dawkins, who delivered a searing indictment of everyone that has ever had a dinner party conversation about his book ‘The God Delusion’ but concluded that despite the drawbacks of organised religion ‘there must be something out there…’. His concluding remarks ‘shit or get off the pot, for Christ’s sake’ were greeted by an enthusiastic high five from the Apostolic See.
The collaboration between the two men, previously in fierce opposition, led to questions being asked about a possible shift in the thinking of the Pope, which were quickly downplayed by the Vatican: ‘In an ecumenical world, the Catholic Church has always strived to find common ground, but in answer to the many enquiries we have received, I can confirm that the Pope is indeed still Catholic, and that this detente extends only so far as mutual contempt for people willing to give homeopathy a go who also get pissy about the idea of water being turned into wine,’ declared spokesman Monsignor Flavelli, ‘and as to the Church’s views on the eternal souls of atheists, and whether we think they’re ultimately going to burn in hell with the Jews, Muslims and Methodists? Well, as we like to say here in the Vatican, ‘is Professor Dawkins a gobby trumped up zoologist?’’