Help the Aged has been announced it will be the first UK charity to upgrade from chugging to mugging. From tomorrow, all its street fundraisers will be equipped with flick-knives, knuckledusters or pistols, and will be encouraged to viciously kick prospective donors to the ground before rifling through their possessions or demanding their PIN at knifepoint.
‘We’re particularly interested to see if we can improve fundraising from the elderly using this technique’, said Help the Aged’s UK fundraising director. ‘For a long time we’ve been convinced that the old codgers are just lying to us about being poor, and once we’ve got their bank cards and PINs, we can make sure they’re not telling porkies.’ The charity added that, in the current econoic climate, the move was ‘the least we can do to ensure continuing donations’ to the charity’s work.
In a further innovative move, all the street fundraisers will be equipped with a crack habit, a hoodie, and menacing street patois. Help the Aged explained this by saying that ‘unmodified’ chuggers wouldn’t have the ‘street presence’ to convincingly threaten gratuitous violence.