In a move designed to challenge the rise of Islam, the Church will soon unveil the ‘Bible lite’, which is designed to ‘re-invent Christianity for the 21st century’.
The new Bible will feature a graffiti artist named ‘Danger’ in place of the more familiar Jesus character. ‘The current Bible has really been holding the Church back recently,’ claimed the Archbishop of York. ‘We’re trying to make the Church relevant to a modern audience, but all that gay-bashing fire-and-brimstone just puts people off. We’re looking for something a lot more edgy, more urban – think art house cinema meets illegal dance party.’
Traditionalists were outraged by the move, claiming the original Bible was ‘the inspired word of God,’ which applied whether it was fashionable or not. However the Archbishop of Canterbury responded that they needed to ‘get with it’, and that the new text would be the ‘dopest, sickest and most fly religious text ever to come out of the hood, man.’