Broadcaster and journalist Jeremy Clarkson has fulfilled a lifelong ambition by achieving such dramatic speeds in an Audi R8 supercar that he broke through the space/time continuum and emerged in the late 1950’s.
Commenting on his journey back to an age when a woman’s place was in the kitchen and smoking in public was not only legal, but encouraged, Clarkson said: ‘It’s good to be back.’
Clarkson’s souped up R8 reached speeds that could not be measured by conventional instruments, as part of a Top Gear challenge to see if a car could achieve escape velocity. Dr E.M Brown, of Cambridge University, an expert in celebrity temporal paradoxes said: ‘Getting back to the modern age is Clarkson’s only problem now. Although the modified engine is electrical, he’s going to need something akin to a nuclear reaction to generate the 1.21 gigawatts of electricity necessary.’
Clarkson himself seemed unfazed by this prospect, he said: ‘Fortunately I’ve arrived in a time when they didn’t need a bunch of health and safety Commissars or when we were besieged on all sides by a load of old CND lesbians.’
The real question now is whether Clarkson actually wants to return to the 21st Century. His knowledge of every Derby winner since 1947 is likely to net him a hefty income, and he could easily indulge his love of classic cars, when they were just cars. He admitted that he would miss his wife and children but said that as a single parent family they could sponge off the state, like everyone else.
‘I’m looking forward to the sixties,’ he said in documents, which are only now showing up, ‘the pill, birds, miniskirts, Barclay James Harvest, binge drinking as the norm, smoking like a chimney and no bloody speed cameras.’
However some suspect his motives in returning to the past may be more sinister. Clarkson has long been the bête noir of the New Left, feminists, environmentalists and progressives, and many of them are horrified by the prospect that the opinionated Top Gear star will use this unexpected bout of time travel to alter the future. Clarkson has already joked about running over a teenage Germaine Greer and pushing schoolboy Ken Livingstone under a bus.