ITV’s Loose Women has formed its own political party and is aiming to win the forthcoming general election. Party leader Andrea McLean vowed to shake Britain out of recession through a trademark mix of saucy banter and female intuition.
‘We agreed it was time for a new broom,’ said chancellor-designate Lynda Bellingham, ‘because Gordon Brown’s clearly lost it but we don’t think the Tories are going to do any better, so it’s time we all jolly well stopped whingeing and changed our own ways.’
Chaired by prospective Home Secretary Carol McGiffin, the rotating panel of four women from the entertainment and journalism industries has been working on a series of policy initiatives. These will be unveiled to the public on successive Tuesday shows over the coming months, the others being reserved for celebrity gossip.
‘Our flagship piece of legislation will be the Oooh Aren’t Men Awful (No But They Are Though) Act,’ proclaimed McGiffin. ‘Under it, all adult males will have to become more sensitive, get their bodies into shape and earn more on pain of having their citizenship revoked. This will be a vital stimulus to the floundering economy.’
Other Loose Women Party policies are understood to include free white wine on demand, a general wish to be a bit nicer to people and unspecified others that will be launched after the break and a song from Jane McDonald.
The centrepiece, however, will be a legal requirement for Loose Women to be broadcast around the clock on all terrestrial TV channels. Said McGiffin: ‘If that doesn’t motivate the unemployed to get out and find work, nothing will.’