A ‘teenage’ vampire has announced that he is quitting Cedar Falls, the small American town that he has stalked for the last two centuries, due to the crippling lack of introvert, socially isolated yet quirkily attractive goth girls.
‘I’ve been looking for years for a hot and intelligent loner with dark hair and maybe a nose piercing to have a tortured and platonic relationship with,’ bemoaned resident bloodsucker Gabriel Stein, ‘but this place is perpetually behind the times: it’s all blonde cheerleaders with high-kicks and karate – I mean, that’s so last decade! Forget sexually charged conversations about Poe, Shelley and Stoker, it’s all Twitter, tattoos and tan lines.’
However many local girls believe the blame lies squarely at the feet of Stein, and conversely accuse him of not moving with the times. ‘He just seems to think that he can turn up in a frilly shirt and we’ll all start swooning,’ said head cheerleader Cherrie Winters. ‘If I’m to overcome the perils and prejudices of a relationship between the living and the dead, I expect my paramour to at least hit the gym twice a week. Gabriel’s less Edward Cullen and more Nosferatu to be brutally honest.’
Stein dismisses such criticism: ‘Do you know how hard it is to be both wan and buff at the same time when you’ve been undead for two hundred years? I’m a vampire for Christ’s sake – they should be falling over themselves for a bit of neck action! I need to find someplace where bloodsuckers can latch onto impressionable young women with impunity, so I’m leaving Cedar Falls and heading to Vegas to audition for the X-Factor.’