The Audit Commission today adds to its findings in support of the government’s aim of keeping old people in their own homes for longer.
Particular measures are under consideration to keep the old out of the shops at weekends and off the roads during peak morning hours.
If and when old people finally manage to get out, they will have to use special fast-track supermarket tills that will round their bills to the nearest 50p and immediately destroy any money-off coupons that are tendered. Pensioner-only mobile Post Offices will set up in charity shops once a week, allowing the full queuing and moaning experience to take place away from busier parts of towns.
Mr Higgins said that the biggest financial gain would come from preventing old people from going to the doctor’s unless they really needed to, resulting in huge savings for the National Health Service, adding, ‘I wouldn’t hang on to any pharmaceuticals shares, if I were you.’