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‘I have never kicked a nun in the shins’ says Gordon Brown

questioner didn't ask if he'd kicked them anywhere elseIn a rather disappointing interview with Gordon Brown today, the Prime Minister claimed to the surprise and possibly even dismay of many MPs that he had in fact never kicked a nun in the shins, despite claims to the contrary in a new book called ‘Politicians, and Members of the Catholic Clergy Whose Shins Have Been Injured By Them.’

‘I have never, ever kicked a nun, especially not in the shins’ he said. ‘When I get angry, I lose my temper with myself, kick my own shins, and throw newspapers in a fury of anti-press vitriol.’ When asked if he had ever thrown a newspaper at a nun or her shins, he replied hesitantly that he had acted ‘In the heat of the moment’ but that he ‘didn’t hit her’.

The allegations threatened the integrity of the Labour Party, coming as they do on the same day as the launch of their new slogan ‘A Future Fair for All Members of the Priesthood’. 

‘I’d never kick or punch a nun’ said David Cameron today in a counter-interview on The Daily Politics, ‘nor have I any of my team ever given Chinese burns to choir boys or given a dead leg to any member of the Catholic clergy,’ claimed the leader of the Conservative Party despite rumours circulating that the National Nun Shin Helpline had received a number of calls about senior Westmister politicians..  ‘We can’t go on like this,’ he continued. ‘I’ll punch deficits, not nuns.’

The revelations have left voters further disenchanted with politicians as the General Election approaches. ‘They’re all as bad as each other’ said one swing voter in a key marginal.  ‘They try and get your vote, promising not to kick nuns in the shins.  And then as soon as they are in power, they are even worse than the last lot, with every Mother Superior in the country black and blue from the knee down.’

The Pope, head of ‘The Catholic Church’, a fringe Catholic rights group and the administrative organisation of the National Union of Nuns (NUN) released a statement condemning the injury of nuns, priests and all parishioners of ‘The Catholic Church’ and urging them to take whatever steps are necessary to defend themselves.  He told Radio 5′s Simon Mayo that all nuns working at Downing Street have been issued with Adidas shin-guards, and a number of them have been taken advice from Premiership footballer Robbie Savage, on ‘getting their retaliation in early’.  

On the way in to a Cabinet sub-committee this morning, the Gordon Brown was tackled from behind by a couple of Carmelite nuns who work in the Downing Street press office, one of whom was seen to stamp hard on his left shin while the Prime Minister lay stricken on the floor while the Cabinet Secretary appeared to look the other way.

thecritic

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Posted: Feb 23rd, 2010 by Guest

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