The Director of Public Prosecutions has confirmed that new suicide guidelines will be based on how annoying the deceased is, and how inventive the method of killing.
Examples used to develop the guidelines also include suffocating Jordan with a pair of enormous fake breasts and chocking Alistair Darling on his caterpillar eyebrows.
‘These guidelines give us a unique opportunity to have a general clear out of people who we’re all a bit sick of,’ he said. ‘We believe that killing irritating people in amusing ways is in the public interest and hope that the new guidelines will allow concerned citizens to proceed in assisting such suicides with no fear of prosecution. Especially if it’s that bloke off the Go Compare advert. ’