A junior administrative aide to Gordon Brown who was found dead in a pool of blood with electric shock burns to his genitals was merely a case of ‘Assisted Suicide’ under the Government’s new definition of the law it was ruled today.
Cedric Simpson had only been working for Mr. Brown for a matter of weeks when his body was discovered in the Prime Minister’s Office last month after what was described as a ‘vigorous’ meeting between Prime Minister and Alistair Darling.
There was surprise at the time when Mr. Brown was interviewed in a somewhat dishevelled state afterwards and while slightly out of breath said to reporters that he was ‘glad he got the snotty little bastard’ and that ‘he won’t be asking any more stupid questions about the economy now, will he?’, before being quickly ushered away by a colleague.
Under the new guidelines put through quickly by the government this month, the specific nature of Mr. Simpsons injuries mean that he was in fact pleading to die and Mr. Brown should be recommended for a peerage for his ‘heroic’ actions in helping the recent graduate end his life.
Despite numerous skull fractures and a severely damaged rectum Mr. Simpson who was described by colleagues as ‘definitely not looking miserable’ in the run up to the event, had not given any prior indication that he wished to die. He was approaching his 22nd birthday and had recently announced the engagement to his childhood sweetheart, Samantha who was expecting their first baby.
Chancellor Alistair Darling said today that the thoughts of the government were with Mr Simpsons family. ‘At times like these’ he commented ‘sometimes government duty is not just government but human duty and I know Gordon had repeatedly asked Cedric if he wanted to die and each time the answer was a clear ‘yes Prime Minister’ so there really wasn’t any choice in the matter.’
Opposition Parties accused the Government of a cover up. George Osborne remarked today ‘it seems very coincidental and slightly unusual to us. This modification has only just occurred after last week’s amendment made by John Prescott who added ‘death by falling under a large weight’ to the assisted suicide disease list.’