The leading toy manufacturer behind the perennially popular Barbie doll has announced the world famous doll’s latest evolution in a bid to keep her in tune with current youth trends. ‘Barbie has always been an aspirational brand, so we wanted to ensure her next incarnation was something young girls could really strive towards,’ said a company spokeswoman, who refused to confirm or deny whether the launch was a direct response to Sindy’s Malawian Orphan™.
‘Post-Natal Barbie can not only be made up with different shades of bags beneath her eyes, but also cries randomly throughout the day when the toilet paper runs out, the milk is semi-skimmed or just that there is so much pain in the world. She features a whole new range of accessories, including buggy, cot, moses basket, sling, bottles, steriliser, breast-pump, 50 muslins (all used), nappies, wipes, change bag, 50 babygros (all used) and even a scrunchie for her lank, greasy hair. But Post-Natal Barbie only needs the one outfit – a pair of baggy tracksuit bottoms and a stained T-shirt, complete with realistic breast-leaking action.’
Girls already in possession of pre-partum Barbie products will have the opportunity to upgrade them to the latest range. ‘Obviously the car seat doesn’t fit into Barbie’s Pink Corvette, so girls can trade it in for Barbie’s Vauxhall Zafira – although may find that the car seat doesn’t go in that either. Barbie’s Dream House is highly unsuitable for an infant, but can be specially adapted with Barbie’s Stairgates, Barbie’s Nappy Bins and Barbie’s Baby Monitor, which will emit a high-pitched scream at intermittent hours during the night. A baby has brought Barbie a whole host of new girlfriends and little girls can invite Alpha Annie, Guilty Greta and Benefit Betty around for a coffee. Assuming Barbie’s had time to do the shopping.’
Whilst most parents have responded positively to Barbie’s new guise, all noted a marked decline in how often the dolly played with Ken. ‘And I have my doubts about some of the anatomical changes,’ said one concerned mother. ‘I suppose the stretch marks and making her stomach and breasts out of flexible rubber add a degree of realism. But does a doll who has never previously sported genitals really now need hers to be visible from space?’