Local football derbies to be replaced with bar brawls

The government has today announced plans to replace local football derbies with no holds barred bar brawls, pub riots and full-scale street battles between supporters.

‘We are now at the stage where in local derby matches there is hardly any football,’ explained a spokesperson for the Department of Thuggery. ‘We have decided to take steps to provide more entertainment for the public by skipping the on-field formalities and going straight to the bar brawl.’

From next season a trial involving all Liverpool vs Everton, Manchester United vs Manchester City and Derby County vs Nottingham Forest games will be conducted with the hope of extending to all football league games by 2015. A similar lower-league scheme will be launched during a cup tie between Worcester City and Kidderminster Harriers next month.

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