Phil Brown, manager of struggling Hull City, is considering using suicide strikers in the club’s forthcoming fixture at home to Arsenal. ‘We beat them last season,’ said Brown, ‘but to be honest we were lucky. They say they’re tired from too many matches, but they could field their reserve side and still beat us.’
‘We’ve got lads who would die for Hull City,’ said Brown. ‘So I propose to take advantage of that loyalty. The first time we get a free kick within striking range, we put one of the lads in their defensive wall, and ‘kaboom’, young Seyi Olofinjana has an open goal to aim at. Normally Jimmy Bullard would take the kick, but if his injury doesn’t clear up soon he’ll be in the suicide squad.’
Brown said the use of suicide strikers would assist smaller clubs and create a more level playing field. ‘Or not so level,’ he said, ‘when one of the fuckers goes off in the six yard box. Talk about a flat back four, theirs will be completely vaporised.
‘Football is a religion to us. We have to stand up for the long ball over the top and outdoor half time talks, and fight a jihad against big club hegemony.’
Asked if he wasn’t being a bit extreme, Brown admitted he had been under stress, with sponsors threatening to withdraw from their shirts deal. ‘Apparently they noticed we were nicknamed The Tigers, and they didn’t want to be associated with a damaged brand. I can tell you, the only Norwegian models you’ll find round here are ships in bottles brought in by their fishermen.’