A 47 year-old Dudley singleton has received a ‘shot in the arm’ to his dreams of finding love, after it was announced that glamorous actress Kate Winslet is to split from her husband, director Sam Mendes.
Double glazing salesman Nigel Trudd claims that, while he has every sympathy for Ms. Winslet’s family, news of the split couldn’t have come at a better time. ‘I was beginning to lose hope about ever marrying a Hollywood starlet to be honest. The break-up of any marriage is bound to have devastating effects on loved ones, and I can only imagine what the kids must be going through – but it’s bloody great news as far as I’m concerned.’
In preparation for Ms. Winslet’s eventual return to the UK, Trudd is planning a ‘rigorous’ campaign to woo the Titanic star. ‘At such a difficult time she’s bound to return home, and I’ll be waiting with a box of Ferrero Rocher and a big bunch of flowers – now Mother’s Day is over the garage are knocking out unsold bouquets at half the price, so if she could get a move on and return before Easter it’d be a great help.’
Trudd first set his sights on Oscar-nominated Winslet after failing to win the hearts of movie stars Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie. ‘You can blame Brad Pitt for that,’ he asserts, ‘on both occasions I was just about to board the plane to Hollywood, only to read that he’d steamed in there before me. It’s not fair – what’s he got that I haven’t? He may be a major silver-screen heart-throb but does he run a successful double glazing business specialising in PVC doors? For that matter does Vince Vaughan part-own his own flat in the heart of the Black Country? No – well, not that I know of anyway.’
For Trudd, the path of true love has yet to run smooth, but he is hoping that this time things will be different. ‘So far I’ve been unlucky, what with that court case and those restraining orders, but good things come to those who wait – soon I’ll be calling myself the future Mr. Kate Winslet! Or Megan Fox if no-one’s giving her one at the moment – in all fairness I can’t afford to be fussy at my age.’