Megalomaniac villain Ernest Blofeld has responded vigorously to claims of unsportsmanlike conduct in his treatment of a British agent who penetrated his secret base beneath a volcano in Iceland last week. The agent, unofficially identified as James Bond 007, was immediately executed after being captured by Blofeld’s guards.
‘This man was a menace,’ Blofeld told reporters. ‘Despite being armed with only a service revolver, he somehow tunnelled into my lair using a helicopter that converted itself into a submarine and got within 50 yards of the clock that was counting down the seconds until I launch nuclear warheads at the world’s capitals.’
Other super-villains have joined in the chorus of condemnation, arguing that although Blofeld was within his rights to shoot Bond through the head without delay, it was in violation of the spirit of the game. Blofeld himself, however, is unrepentant.
‘He killed seven of my henchmen. Do you know how much henchmen cost in Iceland, even with all those unemployed bank clerks?’ asked the scarred Germanic egotist. ‘What was I meant to do? Rig him up to some Heath Robinson contraption he could get out of? Give him a guided tour and explain my world domination scheme to him?’
Blofeld and his team considered leaving Bond in the custody of his sulky blonde girlfriend, who was wandering around the base in a bikini. However, after a brief debate during which those who advocated this course were fed to piranhas, the decision was taken to kill him without delay. Blofeld admits that personal animus towards the British upper classes played a role in his decision.
‘I hate the supercilious smirks on those public schoolboys’ faces. ‘Do you expect me to talk?’ he says. Well, I told him straight ‘No, Mr Bond, I expect you to die’ and blew his brains out on the spot. That shut the fucker up,’ said Blofeld. ‘Now nothing can stop me from taking over the whole world, do you hear me? Nothing! Oh sod it, that bloody cat has gone and pissed all over my lap again.’
11 March 2010