Britain’s party leaders are to face their most gruelling test yet in the run up to the election, a live television game of the popular board game Monopoly. Producers are hoping the ego catalysing, insecurity amplifying mixture of chance and rule bending will give the most revealing glimpse yet into the true natures of our potential leaders.
‘Monopoly is basically a truth drug disguised as a game of strategy and intelligence,’ said producer Nick Martin, ‘it exposes the naked ugly rotten scars on the soul of any man.’ Gordon Brown, Nick Clegg and David Cameron will take part in the popular friendship-ruining board game live on Sky, on the first rainy Sunday in April, as the organisers bid to reproduce the same depressing conditions that bring most people together for an afternoon of morale sapping disappointment.
The participants, anxious to display their business acumen, will be plunged into an environment of uncertainty and chaos, as the rule book is discovered to be missing. The resulting legal debate will yield vital clues into the deviousness of any man’s character – vital skills when dealing with Europe, the United States and Boris Johnson.
Further revelations are expected when the candidates choose their icon. Opting to be the car might please Mondeo Man, but could alienate environmentalists who might prove crucial in key marginals. The position of banker is another crucial test of character that would make or break a candidate. All eyes will be on the behaviour of Gordon Brown and David Cameron, with the both expected to assume ownership as their birthright.
Already there is fevered speculation over which candidate will observe the classic traits of monopolists. Cameron is favourite, according to betting exchanges, to try to build hotels on Park Lane, while Clegg is seen as the type to put his faith in the train stations, and Gordon Brown is hot favourite to kick the board over at the bad throw of the dice. ‘It’s a game that can brings out the worst and the best – but mostly the worst,’ says Martin. ‘It’s just a shame that in this game, everything will be mortgaged before they’ve even started.’