A London woman confessed her most intimate secrets yesterday under relentless questioning while trying to order a sandwich from fast food outlet Subway.
‘It was worse than waterboarding,’ said distressed office worker Miriam Hogarth, 37, of West Drayton. ‘I said I wanted a ham sub and it went mad from there – what kind of bread? Rustic? Italian? Wholemeal? Rustic Italian wholemeal? Six inches? Twelve inches? What ham? What cheese? And that was before they started demanding decisions on salad and choices of dressing; by the time the teenager behind the counter said ‘anything else?’ I cracked and told him about my Post-It notes expenses scam, and my sexual fantasies about a threesome with David and Samantha Cameron.’
‘I also expressed a willingness to take responsibility for a key role in the events of 9/11,’ sobbed Hogarth. ‘Still, I’ll be treated more humanely in Guantanamo. And probably get a tastier lunch too.’