Online shoppers will soon be able to experience a more realistic supermarket experience after Sainsbury’s, one of Britain’s major supermarket chains, announced a new direct-to-your-door tantrum service.
Sainbury’s customer relations head Sheila Tiernan has outlined how, as of 14th April, people who buy their groceries over the internet will be given the option of pre-ordering a major ‘hissy fit’. ‘One of the major disadvantages of internet shopping is the missing tactile element. You can’t squeeze fruit for freshness, you can’t check the sheen on a fresh fish, and you don’t get your toddler son screaming bloody murder because you won’t buy him any Haribos. This new scheme goes some way towards rectifying that.’
Online customers who order a tantrum will have their shopping delivered in the usual manner by Sainsbury’s army of delivery drivers, who are undergoing special training in order to prepare for this latest initiative. ‘Our dispatch operatives will drop off your shopping, check them off the list and point out any replacement items – all as per usual. Should you decide not to accept our choice of replacement, they will throw themselves to the floor, stiffen their backs and bawl the place down until you agree to take said replacement.’
Trials in the West Midlands have already generated some positive feedback, with many busy housewives welcoming this return to the ‘good old days’. ‘You should have seen the look on the neighbours’ faces when I returned a bag of squashed satsumas,’ a homemaker reported. ‘It’s been ages since I experienced the shame of being silently judged as I attempted to drag my kicking and screaming delivery driver back to his van.’
Other efforts are being made to make the on-line shopping experience more like a visit to the local supermarket. Tubs of yoghurt will be splattered across the kitchen floor, distorted tannoy messages blare out incomprehensible messages and overweight parents will block your path as they stop to hit their screaming children.