Oxford University last night blamed Oliver ‘Fatty’ Perkins for their crushing defeat in the annual boat race, in which they finished some 1¾ miles behind Cambridge. It is unclear how the sedentary economics student gained a place on the team, though critics point to the generous donations made by his father, the Chief Executive of Massive Pies Ltd, to the University Boat Club.
The 20-stone cake and pie lover tired early on in the race, putting down his oar and unwrapping what appeared to be a pork pie from a lunchbox under his seat. For the rest of the race the gargantuan oarsman sat motionless, shouting occasional words of encouragement to the crew out of a desire to reach land and refuel.
‘My lad gave of his all today,’ said his father. ‘He’s as fit as a butcher’s dog – bulging with muscle. If some of the others had followed his lead and packed some of my massive pies, they might have had the energy to row a bit faster.’