The United States has woken up to what has been described as ‘the greatest indignity the free world has had to suffer’ after park rangers at Mount Rushmore National Memorial discovered four pairs of enormous buttocks poking out of the other side of the famous presidential monument in the early hours of this morning.
Officials from the National Park Service found the gigantic derrieres after tourists camping nearby reported suspicious chiselling noises during the last few nights. ‘We rounded the corner and there they were: four huge butts sparkling in the dawn’s early light,’ revealed head ranger Hal Jorgensen. ‘It came as quite a shock – having four of America’s greatest leaders mooning at you so early in the morning is not an experience I’d recommended to anybody.’
The incident is currently under investigation by the Department of Homeland Security, and while the perpetrators have yet to be identified, theories already abound. ‘We have ruled out any involvement from Al-Qaeda,’ Agent Martin Caruso told journalists, ’as any representation of the human form is strictly prohibited under their extremist interpretation of Islamic law – unless there’s some kind of special dispensation for butt cheeks… Dave, can we get someone from the Islamic Art department to verify that?’
Whatever the political or religious motivation of the antagonists, what is clear is the fact that they did their homework. ‘They knew their subject matter intimately,’ said Caruso. ‘Whoever did this has a thorough knowledge of early American anatomical history. Their sculpture of our former presidents’ posteriors is scarily realistic, including Washington’s ‘don’t sit on me’ snake tattoo and even Lincoln’s less famous second wart.’
Public reaction to the granite backsides has been mixed. Some gun lobbyists, while decrying the vandalism, are campaigning against plans to dynamite the offending articles, citing the constitutional right to bare asses. However others are less supportive: ‘It looks like our most celebrated and successful presidents are bending over to be spanked,’ complained one tourist, ‘or possibly whupped with Roosevelt’s Big Stick. Still it could be worse – if history had happened differently we could be staring up at Hilary Clinton’s, or God forbid, Sarah Palin’s fanny (either in the American or indeed English sense of the word) right now.’
18th April 2011