Far-right extremists are breathing a sigh of relief today, after the last remaining clone of Hitler was officially recognised as a ‘complete bastard’. Nigel Hitler, 51, was originally cloned from cells taken from the Fuhrer’s brain by a secret cabal of Nazi scientists. The ‘little Hitler’ was then smuggled into the UK to be raised by middle-class foster parents.
According to recently declassified reports, his creators originally worried that their would-be Übermensch was turning into ‘a rather personable young man, as opposed to the sexually repressed outsider seething with resentment we were hoping for.’ One report criticised his oratory skills, detailing how ‘Hitler MKII’ had singularly failed to rouse any book-burning mobs or jackbooted military formations with fiery rhetoric during his teenage years.
‘He shows absolutely no sign of rabid anti-Semitism,’ one observer wrote. ‘He exhibits little in the way of an iron-willed determinism to conquer Europe, eschews a decent side-parting and refuses point-blank to grow a toothbrush moustache.’
However, Nigel’s descent into middle age has raised the hopes of many right-wing British nationalists. ‘He’s a lot more curmudgeonly nowadays,’ claimed local BNP activist ‘Commandant’ Rodney Burridge. ‘Regularly complaining about the noise his neighbours make, waiting until they put the washing out before burning his garden waste and putting whitewashed stones on the grass verge outside his house so that no-one can park there – it’s not exactly Kristallnacht, but it’s a start – the Fifth Reich can’t be too far around the corner now.’