In a surprise move the Conservative Party has called on Joe the Plumber, hero of the 2008 US presidential election campaign, to help them repair Britain’s broken society. ‘It is only by supporting small businesses like Joe’s that we will kick-start the economic recovery,’ said David Cameron, ‘and I can’t think of anyone better qualified to help when this country is up its neck in Brown.’
Samuel Joseph Wurzelbacher, who was recruited by the Republicans after challenging Barack Obama on his tax plans during the 2008 campaign, admitted having to think long and hard before agreeing to enter frontline British politics. ‘I’ve had a good look round,’ he said, sighing and shaking his head. ‘Looks like you’ve had some real cowboys in here. It’s gonna be a big job to sort all this out, and I can’t start before next week.’
The Conservatives have been quick to deny accusations from the other parties that enlisting Joe’s help is simply a publicity stunt. ‘We found his number in the Yellow Pages and called him for a quote,’ explained David Cameron. ‘Our number one priority is wooing the ordinary voter. There are too many people in this election who have yet to make up their minds, and Joe will be the first to tell you that these floaters are no good for anyone when what we need to be doing is taking decisive action to flush away this soiled government. If you find yourself following one of them into the polling booth, his clear advice is to give it a few minutes.’
Conservatives were hoping Joe would join the campaign trial yesterday morning in the key marginal seat of Ealing Central and Acton, but he couldn’t be any more specific than guaranteeing to get there sometime between 8am and 6pm, and when he did finally show he didn’t have the parts. Lord Ashcroft was also reported to be outraged after learning that all Joe’s appearances would be subject to a £120 call-out fee, with an £80 hourly rate thereafter.
Last night the Tories appeared to be in full retreat and their immigration policy in tatters after they confirmed that the work would instead be done by Jozef the Plumber, originally from Warsaw, who will work twice as hard for half the price and promises not to stop for Tea Parties every hour.