BBC bosses claim to have a sure fire winner in the highly competitive area of lifestyle programming after signing up cookery superstars Nigella Lawson and Sophie Dahl to a new type of cookery show in which attractive female celebrities fight it out in the kitchen by smearing each other in custard, olive oil and guacamole.
‘It’s a sure fire ratings winner,’ said BBC director general Mark Thompson. ‘Sure we all love to see these good looking women leaning over a couple of jellies and popping a dollop of cream in their mouth, but this programme takes it to the next level. Post Totty Food Fight will see a blonde versus a brunette wrestling around the kitchen floor covered from head to foot in chocolate sauce, yoghurt and manuka honey. It’s cooking meets sport; it’s lifestyle meets entertainment– this will blow Babestation right out of the water!’
Other TV cooks will also feature in the extreme cookery show, including a section where Jamie Oliver, Raymond Blanc and Heston Blumenthal get to throw a selection of root vegetables at Anthony Worral-Thomson until he loses consciousness, and another segment in which celebrity chefs compete against a video of the late Keith Floyd by drinking a bottle of cooking sherry and then juggling kitchen knives. ‘And if you think Gordon Ramsey swears a lot now, you should hear him when he gets sat on by Clarissa Dickson Wright and the Two Hairy Bikers.’
But the climax of every show will be Sophie and Nigella fighting for the title of Top Kitchen Totty, by grappling with each other’s clothing while covered in creamy sauces. ‘It’s not dumbing down, it’s making food and nutritional issues accessible to the widest possible audience,’ said Thompson.
However veteran TV chef Delia Smith declined to push her own cookery show to the max and threatened to quit the BBC when it was suggested she might leave the tidying up till the following morning.