Armed mobs of Isle of Wight residents are said to be roaming the island’s streets and country lanes after the sudden appearance of wheeled recycling bins was mistaken for an extra-terrestrial invasion by startled locals.
Shotgun-toting islanders have set up roadblocks around all major settlements and are searching vehicles for ‘Darlecks’ and ‘body snatcher doppelwotsits’, while bemused waste disposal operatives have reported bands of men, claiming to be operating under the auspices of ‘Local Defence Plan 9′, beating the new wheelie bins with heavy clubs and cricket bats.
Officers of the Hampshire Constabulary have been unsuccessful in their attempts to disarm these alien hunters, or to prevent the wanton destruction of council property. ‘No copper’s gonna stop me from springin’ to the defence of my homeland!’ exclaimed one baseball bat-wielding octogenarian, ‘I ain’t been this excited since the war, or when we thought that boatload of tourists from Portsmouth were Somali pirates.’
Local councillors have called for calm: ‘The message we have to get across is that, as a rule of thumb; alien invaders don’t normally have stickers on them explaining the new fortnightly refuse collection system. Whether they’ll accept textiles and Tetra Pak cartons is something we’re still looking into.’